The past couple of months have held so many firsts for us; so many new experiences. Amongst so much more, we’ve been on our first family holiday, I’ve gone back to work, and Theo has started nursery. It’s been such a crazy mash up of emotions, that I haven’t known whether I’m coming or going. Exhausting is an understatement, but it’s also been exhilarating. I want to write about it all, but I can’t find the best words. That’s probably why I’ve gone so long without posting on here.
I am undertaking CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) at the moment, and whilst I’ve only had 4 sessions so far, it has been very helpful. It turns out I’m a perfectionist. Well I knew that already, but it seems that I’m such a perfectionist that I generally put things off and make excuses. After all, if I’m going to do it perfectly then it will be a failure, and if I’m going to fail anyway then what’s the point in doing it in the first place? Or so we think my subconscious works anyway. It makes sense in my mind, so that’s what I’m going to move forward with. It’s why I haven’t fond the time to pick up my writing properly again, even though I love it. It’s why I haven managed to make any of the things I’ve wanted to make for Theo, even though the ideas really motivated me. It’s why my baby boy is 9 months old and I still haven’t lost any weight, even though I keep meaning to improve my diet and exercise more, because I want to lose 4 stone.
Things need to change. I need to change. But what’s the point in me putting the effort in if I am only going to fail anyway? See the predicament I’m in? It’s a mental block, and one that’s going to take a while to destroy. Baby steps will work, I just hope it doesn’t take too long.
I shall take my first step now though. This entry is going to be posted without me running back through it and editing it. It’s probably full of typos (I’m using a tablet that hates writing) and grammatical errors, but who cares right? OK, and breathe….