There comes a time (or many) for everyone where they just think what the hell am I doing with my life?! That is the exact point I’m at now. I have been for weeks in fact; months even. I keep kidding myself that I have plans and know what’s going on, but the fact is I don’t.
I had a plan. It was a pretty loose one, but it was a plan nonetheless. After graduating from uni, I was going to either freelance or get a job as some kind of writer. I was going to do my Masters, and either go into editing or travel writing. I was going to find the man of my dreams, settle down, have a family, and freelance from home so that I could spend time with my children.
Well, I graduated from uni. After that, it all fell to pieces really. I moved into a flat with my boyfriend at the time, but failed to find a steady job. I alternated between job seekers allowance, McDonalds, and Butlins. I did actually find the perfect writing job for me, but I only lasted a week because the commute to London was ridiculous, definitely not worth the money, and I got really ill after a few days because of exhaustion. Yay me!
In the end, I found a part time job. I ended up taking on a load of overtime (working 40+ hours a week), so just started to balance myself out financially when I broke up with my boyfriend. Things just hadn’t been working out, and the future hadn’t looked very bright at all. It had just taken me a while to see it. In a very short space of time, I started seeing someone from work, got pregnant, moved in, and 2 years later we are still going strong. Talk about moving fast!
So here comes the what the hell am I doing with my life?! bit. I love my partner, and I love our son. What I don’t love, is my life. I feel stuck; trapped. I actually enjoy my job, because I get on so well with my colleagues, but I don’t want a career in retail. I want to get back into writing, but I can’t seem to find the time or the energy to put into it. I’m exhausted from my depression and post-natal OCD, along with having to look after a house and what will very soon be a toddler. I’m trying to pay off debts that I built up over uni and whilst out of work, as well as save up, pay bills, buy food, pay for nursery and provide for our child…and all of that on a part-time job.
I don’t want to look back on my son’s childhood and see it filled with regret. I want to look back with pride and happiness, and I want him to do the same. So how do I get there?
That is the ultimate question, and the answer is certainly not 42.